Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Self Indulgent Post For A Self Indulgent Medium

Maybe my favourite Hockey Night in Canada: After Hours involved an interview with hockey legend player Paul Bissonnette.  The interview was hilarious.  Although he plays in the NHL his real fame is from his twitter account where his true skill as a comedian is revealed.  For as he loves to point out, he's spends most games riding the pine.  However, he is a true champion of the twitter world.  

For whatever reason I remembered him the other day and decided to do a search of his funniest tweets.  There were some good ones for sure and I realized that I do miss one aspect of facebook and that's the joy that comes from writing a really clever facebook status.  Considering this, perhaps I should get a twitter account.  Maybe later.  Anyway, I thought that it might be fun to go back and make a list of my best status updates and post them here.  This may seem like the height of arrogance but not if you consider that I only have three readers.  Anyway, I made the sacrifice of temporarily reactivating my account and going through several years worth of material.  There are, you may notice, some common themes.  I hope you enjoy.  

Adulthood so far has been overrated, except for the scotch. 

Ed Smith is loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, and gentle but when it comes to Halloween chocolates sitting beside him, it's just not enough.

Ed Smith is no longer an amateur crastinator.

Ed is drinking beer on a Monday afternoon. So far he likes being a student. 

Ed Smith is not getting any better at thinking before speaking.

Ed is writing his paper, because it's due tomorrow and he's only just begun. The fool.

Ed started writing his paper, then decided to nap again. He's now back on track, with an obvious detour via facebook.

Ed wonders why the man in the mirror still has that ridiculous moustache.

Ed learned a lot of things at school, but not how to study.

Ed read Shakespeare's Julius Caesar and decided to avoid ambition.

Ed prefers the french press to the bench press.

Ed is... er, well, he is, umm, the thing is, he's well, he's eloquent.

Ed hasn't heard a thing of Karen Gomyo for a while; however, Julia Fischer is playing at the Orpheum in Vancouver the day after Valentine's...

Ed thinks that an 8:00 am class, dimmed lights while watching a movie, comfy seats combined with a lack of sleep is more than any man could resist.

Ed types his fb status updates at 50 words per minute and his essays at 5 minutes per word. sigh.

Ed looks at cookie dough the same way a drunk looks at booze. Ed fell off the wagon.

Ed received his first pair of TOMS. Really it is a great gift. Not only do I get a free pair of shoes, but I can also give the impression that I have a well developed social conscience without having to spend a dime.

Ed is off to collect the empirical data on his study, "How not to prepare for exams."

Christmas? Tomorrow? I haven't started shopping yet! I gotta get to the liquor store.

Ed learned that sometimes when he's told that his nephew wants a hug, what his nephew really wants is his post constipation diaper changed. Rookie uncle mistake, giving him that hug.

Academic research: The desperate search to find a scholar who writes, in a peer reviewed journal, the view that you already hold.

Should I not be proud that my nephew is beating up the other kids in his play school?

It's a sign of my stress levels when I walk past the xbox on the way to do homework and I'm not even tempted.

Ed is burning dinner. (Stupid Facebook!)

Ed is starting a collection to help send a needy stalker to Victoria to see Karen Gomyo play. Make cheques out to Ed Smith. (Not eligible for a tax receipt.)

Ed is making a quiche and making a mess, but mostly making a mess.

Ed is thirsty. His two available options are water and beer. Tough choice.

Ed likes to act, and then consider consequences. Or at least that's what he does.

How do you spell bottomless money pit? C-A-R.

Ed didn't plant any trees today, but he did plant some bullets into some tree boxes. The money isn't as good but it's infinitely more rewarding.

Ed has been killing mosquitos all night; so why don't they fear him?

Ed wants peace in his heart but he wouldn't turn down world peace either. Or a piece of pie.

Ed curses the addictive qualities of chocolate chip cookie dough.

Ed wonders with George W. out of office, who the world is going to blame its problems on.

Ed studies for his midterms and hopes for a miracle. Two, actually.

Ed used to be a horrible procrastinator but a Tetris demigod. Now he's just a horrible procrastinator.

Ed is a horrible procrastinator, and not too shabby at Tetris.

Ed is a horrible (or excellent, depending on how you look at it) procrastinator and for the moment he has the highest Tetris score amongst his friends."

Ed tries to care more about his midterms next week than being bumped by Laura into second place in the Tetris world.

Ed changes his mind more often than his underwear.

Ed runs on mango power. See the man go!

Ed thinks that if time were actually money, then he'd spend all of his in the dollar store.

It isn't really procrastinating... It's not wise to jump too quickly into this important assignments, especially when they're so BORING!

Ed wonders for how many days it's acceptable to wear a pair of jeans without washing them. He hopes it's more than six.

Ed wonders if he can sue facebook for failing his courses.

Ed wonders what Sarah Chang will find less unattractive: scruffy looking stubble or clean-shaven but with a moustache.

Ed can't remember the last time he showered. It's not planting season so that means it must be nearly the end of the semester. (Don't argue. That's what it means)

Ed thinks that a double scotch on the rocks would go quite well with his exam preparations.

Ed wonders if he can get academic credit for his clever facebook comments.

Ed feels that an education is very important but evidently not so important as: napping, facebook, playing peek-a-boo with his nephew on video chat, playing halo with roommates, eating junk food, watching youtube videos and checking out hockey scores. all the joys of procrastination with less guilt!

Ed plants trees by day, scarfs ice cream by night. Life is sweet. 

Ed doesn't think that coffee is enough. He needs a kick in the @ss. 

Ed is going to unfriend everyone who has more friends than him. It's an ego thing.

While waiting for the bus this morning I was struck by a fortuitous epiphany, "Why go to class at all?""

When it was my textbook, I couldn't be bothered to read it. Now I'm voluntarily reading it instead of reading my textbook for the course I'm currently enrolled in.

Nothing sucks the joy out of a really good exam score like knowing the whole class did equally well.

I want there to be lots of trick or treaters so that we won't have any left over candy. However, every time that some come to the door I have another chocolate myself. I feel ill.

Went to Starbucks today and gave my one year old nephew the last few drops of my caramel frappuccino, in a stroke introducing him to three evils: sugar, caffeine, and corporate branding. I felt a bit like Satan. Boy did he smile though. Sometimes when I'm riding the bus I like to play a little game where I let myself drift off to sleep, gambling on the fact that I will wake before I pass my stop. The really exciting part is when I wake up it often takes me a little while to recognize where I am. Today I arrived home a little later than usual, but well rested.

Sometimes the cute little granny that you meet at the bus stop is actually a horrible racist.

Having trouble getting homework done. The best option is to go to bed and wake up early when there will be real pressure to complete the assignment.

(From a post early in December when I was sporting a large beard)  
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I bought a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, and deodorant. The till clerk looked at my purchases and then looked at me (my beard) and asked, "So, they getting you guys to fill your own hampers this year?"

I may have led some of you astray with my previous status update. I wouldn't say that I lied. Perhaps though, a more honest status update would be: "Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I bought two toothbrushes, two packages of toothpaste, soap, shampoo and deodorant. Then I went and used the self checkout." It's still funny, right?

I just found out that my cell phone wasn't working today. It's fixed now but it means that all those Valentine's Day texts that were sent to me didn't arrive. Feel free to resend.

I strongly feel that people who have it as a viable option, should commute with public transit rather than with personal vehicles that clog up roadways and pollute the air. After 5 minutes of waiting for the bus in -24 weather, my principles were gone. I would have gladly driven a two stroke H2 rather than wait another minute in that weather.

I must be at least 500% more efficient the last few hours before an assignment is due. Logically, it's actually a waste of time for me to do work ahead of time.

I passed a nice house the other day with a big Ford 4x4 parked out front, large motorhome in the driveway and the white, middle aged owner leaving on his Harley Davidson. When I saw this and the NDP sign on the lawn I realized that I'm not in Alberta anymore.

When wiping your bottom while in the woods it's best to avoid touching sappy trees immediately prior.

The mosquito's natural predators aren't nearly gluttonous enough, imo.

Unlimited ice cream is a little bit better than you think it is.

My two year old nephew loves the Beatles!!! He loves Ringo Starr that is. Well, to be honest I guess he loves Thomas the Tank Engine as narrated by Ringo Starr.  It's a start though.

It's difficult to write a paper when you don't understand the topic but it's easy to surf facebook. It's less easy but more satisfying to go eat something.

I'm starting fasting now. Not for noble motivations but pragmatic. I'm going to a churrascaria tonight.

FYI- Running a half marathon is considerably easier than walking down a flight of stairs the day after.

I thought that cutting my own hair might be a good way to save some money. Perhaps it's just a way.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are all well and good, but both would at best come a distant second or third to cold beer. Granville Island's Winter Ale is a probably the second best thing about winter, after hockey.

I think fruit flies are so called because they're so fruitful, especially in my kitchen. So glad I'm not Jain.

My New Year's Resolution: Publish a book. It's going to be a self help book titled "Cutting Your Own Hair: For Dummies" because I feel that the title should speak to the target audience.

During class today the story of Jesus cursing the fig tree came up. I felt that it would be an appropriate time to use the "God hates figs" joke. If the stony silence following was any indication, I was wrong.

I don't know too much about women, but I have noticed that when the topic of firemen comes up they get a bit flushed and start playing with their hair. I also know that when my toaster caught fire this morning, I didn't call the firemen for help, I dealt with it myself.

I like walking through the university library and seeing the percentage of people who are using their computers to surf facebook. Part of the reason is to see how many times I can be astounded by the same phenomenon, and partly because the hypocritical guilt later forces me to study when I'm at the library.

It's time for me to make a personal budget. That way I can judiciously set aside money for wine.

Back in high school I was a bit homophobic. I'm glad that I'm over that, for the obvious reasons of not cutting myself off from countless wonderful people and other ills of bigotry, but also because I really like homo milk.

Sometimes my laziness is unhealthy. Like when I say to myself, "I should go exercise, but I'd rather not." Sometimes it's healthy, like the times I say to myself, "I want some ice cream, but the store is too far away."

Oh Karen Gomyo! I thought I was over you!

After some careful introspection and two bowls of empirical research, I've reached the conclusion that eating homemade ice cream is better than beating Jeff Dyer and Rich Lange at the Hustle for Hunger.

They say that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. I usually just add a shot of Baileys to the morning coffee

I'd like to submit evidence that democracy isn't such a great idea. 

Just interrupted my studying with a little gin and tonic break. This doesn't bode well for my brilliant refutation of the philosophical garbage that is Humean Supervenience."

It's easy to know that it's time for bed when one writes sentences such as "If there is no convincing reason to believe that the laws are grueistic, then there is no reason to believe that they are in fact grueistic." Goodnight and good riddance.

I guess one this this degree has taught me is to never scorn a philosophical position until after I've tried to write a paper refuting it. It's always a little painful going in for the coup de grace and realizing that my position is the vulnerable one.

Plato, Aristotle and Hume are all well and good, but when I want real philosophy, I read Terry Pratchett and Jorge Luis Borges.

Despite my love of puns, I really get irritated at the frequency with which the leek box bottoms break open.

Sometimes I try to think important thoughts just so I have something to post on my status update.

I'm not the first to state that our education system is deeply flawed. Children are unique but schools have a one size fits all mentality. I, for example, in response to my mediocre or late assignments, should have probably been beaten mercilessly. Maybe then I would have been able to get assignments started before the eleventh hour. (11:23 pm, to be specific)

Well I didn't beat Jeff Dyer or Rich Lange, but I did achieve my real goal of finishing before all the women.

100% of 3 year old nephews polled, think Uncle Ed is pretty awesome.

Research indicates that it's about 10 hours before the deadline that I get worried enough to sit down to write the paper and about 5 hours before that I actually close the irrelevant tabs and start writing. This strategy works fine except when there are two papers due at the same time. My fear works concurrently rather than consecutively so about 10 hours before the papers are due I get worried enough to sit down to write...

I went to work this afternoon with a serious sleep deficit but as I was stocking onions I realized that I was in a good mood. I think that there's something therapeutic about working with fruits and vegetables. Plus, if you're alert you can generally produce a good food pun.

So I'm feeling like my vote this morning went to the best candidate for our riding. I'm basing my judgement on my comprehensive election research. "Hey Clement, whom should I vote for?"

Maybe the biggest failing of university is the fact that nobody has told me what salutation to use when addressing professors in emails. I generally spend about 15 minutes trying to decide. I think I'm just going to always use "Dear". Retro is cool, right?

If you go long enough without shampoo, hair gel becomes redundant.

I'm working up in Fort MacMurray and staying at an oil sands camp. This morning I spent all breakfast trying to figure out what language the guys at the table beside me were speaking. Finally I realized English, but with a Newfie accent.

They have pretty stringent rules up here on the mine site. I feel that they've eliminated all the major hazards except perhaps the sartorial risk that is wearing denim on denim.

I made up a joke this evening. "Why should you never knit in a barn? Because you should never cast your purls before swine!"

Taking work boots off 18 hours after putting them on feels pretty good but smells pretty bad."

Found my cell phone charger after a month of having a dead phone. Turned it on to find that in that time I had received one text message. And people wonder why I hate paying cell phone bills!


PsySal said...

Here are some links to get you started on using Twitter, Ed. It's great to have you back:

Me -

Here are some notable funny tweets for you that you can read without joining twitter. R.I.P. @tree_bro, your tweets are epic:

I think you will especially like 2tonbug:

Okay 3 more:


WELL that should get you started

rakingleaves said...

hi Ed.

rakingleaves said...
This comment has been removed by the author.